Letters to My Ex, Part One...

Dear Ex,

Who thought we would ever end up here, in this place, in our lifetime?  Not me and surely not you. So as I look at you in your hospital bed, I find it ironic that I was the person to pick out your nursing home.  Ok, maybe not a nursing home, more like a rehabilitation center, but still, the irony is not lost on me.

Cancer.

Chronic myelomoncytic leukemia to be exact.

I heard the words a couple of weeks ago, when you were first admitted to the hospital. I did some due diligence, tried to make things appear rosier in order to feed my denial that you were really that sick. I've watched you deal with the reality of the relapsing polychondritis, but it has been nothing like this. The doctors did not have a concrete diagnosis then, but they suspected.  I clung to the possibility that they were wrong, everyone was wrong.  But I looked at you and I knew. I just knew.  This was not going to end well.  Now that the diagnosis is real, I am trying to put on my best face for you and for our daughter, but it’s so hard because my heart is so sad.  I’m not ready to lose you. I’m not ready for our sweet girl to lose you. 

Being the control freak that I am (I am sure you did not notice at all over the past 17 years) I am determined to take it one day at a time, find the positive in everything, and make every moment count.  Yes, this could go into remission.  I am going to keep that in the forefront of my mind, even though in the back of my mind I am terrified of where this will end. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth and my stomach is constantly churning.  Not in that “all butterflies” sort of way.  More in that “I am going to vomit all over everything” kind of way.  I haven’t slept well in almost three weeks, and wine is my new best friend. But I am determined to keep going, keep working on making your life comfortable, and happy. Every. Moment. Counts.

Everyone says “you don’t need to do this for him.”  I don’t have it in my heart to turn my back. It’s not who I am.  I’ll never be that person who lacks compassion. It has not always been pleasant between us since our divorce, but to be honest, right now I can’t even remember the bad stuff.  All I see is someone that I have invested so much of my life with, someone who is one of my best friends, and someone I can count on, even when you didn’t like me much.  Things seem to have come full circle between you and me. We started out as good friends, and that seems to be where we have ended up.  It’s a good thing. Love comes in many forms, and I do love you.  It would be hard not to, knowing you as well as I do.

So I have my game face on.  You know what they say, “go big or go home.” I say we fight like hell with all we’ve got.  You in? I’m all in.