Dear Ex,
Who thought we would ever end up here, in this place, in our
lifetime? Not me and surely not you. So
as I look at you in your hospital bed, I find it ironic that I was the person
to pick out your nursing home. Ok, maybe
not a nursing home, more like a rehabilitation center, but still, the irony is
not lost on me.
Cancer.
Chronic myelomoncytic leukemia to be exact.
I heard the words a couple of weeks ago, when you were first
admitted to the hospital. I did some due diligence, tried to make things appear
rosier in order to feed my denial that you were really that sick. I've watched you deal with the reality of the relapsing polychondritis, but it has been nothing like this. The doctors did not have a concrete diagnosis
then, but they suspected. I clung to the
possibility that they were wrong, everyone was wrong. But I looked at you and I knew. I just
knew. This was not going to end
well. Now that the diagnosis is real, I
am trying to put on my best face for you and for our daughter, but it’s so hard
because my heart is so sad. I’m not
ready to lose you. I’m not ready for our sweet girl to lose you.
Being the control freak that I am (I am sure you did not notice at all over the past 17 years) I am determined to take it one day at a
time, find the positive in everything, and make every moment count. Yes, this could go into remission. I am going to keep that in the forefront of
my mind, even though in the back of my mind I am terrified of where this will
end. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth and my stomach is constantly
churning. Not in that “all butterflies”
sort of way. More in that “I am going to
vomit all over everything” kind of way.
I haven’t slept well in almost three weeks, and wine is my new best
friend. But I am determined to keep going, keep working on making your life
comfortable, and happy. Every. Moment. Counts.
Everyone says “you don’t need to do this for him.” I don’t have it in my heart to turn my back.
It’s not who I am. I’ll never be that
person who lacks compassion. It has not always been pleasant between us since
our divorce, but to be honest, right now I can’t even remember the bad stuff. All I see is someone that I have invested so
much of my life with, someone who is one of my best friends, and someone I can
count on, even when you didn’t like me much.
Things seem to have come full circle between you and me. We started out
as good friends, and that seems to be where we have ended up. It’s a good thing. Love comes in many forms,
and I do love you. It would be hard not
to, knowing you as well as I do.
So I have my game face on.
You know what they say, “go big or go home.” I say we fight like hell
with all we’ve got. You in? I’m all in.
